F.A.T

The events I’m about to describe to you are not for the faint hearted and involve amongst other shitty things , a catatonia inducing blend of both Kurt Darren and Afrikaaners .

Things started off pretty well . I managed to drive through Durban without one single Indian trying to scam me . Freakish luck aside , it all went downhill from there . And quickly .

Upon arriving at the harbour I laid eyes upon my vessel . The rather unaptly named "symphony" . If The QE2 is the "queen of the seas" , then the Symphony is surely the crack whore . Fuck that boat . I didn't have time to dwell on this much as I was soon bitchslapped with the worst of news . Kurt Darren would be on board as the "entertainment" .

This breaks one very important and fundamental law I like to live by . Let me demonstrate .

I have long since resigned myself to the fact that I'm a failure as an astronaut and nuclear physicist and that I must live out my shitty life in the same universe and even worse ,share the planet with Kurt Darren . But the same boat ? I was forced to make some tough decisions . Share a boat with my nemesis and universally reknown cunt , Kurt Darren , or give someone free money . Fuck them . I boarded .

Big mistake . From the very moment the ship headed out to sea I was stuck in a personalised experience of hell .

Correct me if I'm wrong , but when thinking of the experience of a "sea cruise" , I somehow got this sort of image in my head of sophistication . Quaint deckside banter and quirky , but informative lectures on "The big bang theory" . Sipping cocktails and sharing investment advice with real estate tycoons . Scantily clad , but endearingly classy exotic waitresses eager to smile and giggled at our good tasted quips , while a well rehearsed mini orchesta serenaded us with the works of Bach (Johan Sebastian , fuck the other guy) , Beithoven , Tschaikovsky and Mozart .

Oh . And this .

Let's take a look at the reality shall we ?

Now , it's not that I have anything against fat people . It's just that I hate them and they piss me off . But fat people with umbrellas ? You must be joking .

Now add in the nasiating dimension that 99.9% of these fat people were Afrikaans . I was stuck on a boat with 1500 fat afrikaaners including , but exclusively , Kurt Darren .

I'll alow a brief moment for shuddering and general noises of dissaproval/vomiting .

One plays these things out in your mind from time to time . We all have our great fears and nightmares . Mine had just become a reality .

Of course the sensible thing to do would be to jump and swim for it , and if not for fear of heart stabbing stingrays and sobriety I would have done it . Instead like a masochistic idiot I headed for my cabin .

After guzzling away a bottle of my booze I sneaked on board (you kind of allowed to bring it on , but I like my illusions of anti establishmental anarchy ) I braved out to the deck . That's when I saw it .

Line dancing .

To Achy breaky heart .

By Billy Ray Cyris .

Line dancing ........

Evidence of a world gone mad , is the unreasonable illegality through which we're not allowed to kill people who line dance . There should be a simple test which people should have to pass in order to be allowed to not die . And it should definately ask about line dancing .

"Fuck this" , I predictably said . I headed to the casino and proceeded to try soothe myself with good old fashoned vice .

new 3

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Fri, 29 May 2009 08:46:00 +0000

South African pop idols 2009 : The Bloodfeast

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Fri, 29 May 2009 08:36:00 +0000

Pop idols. Never in my years on this rock has there been so much to dimish the association of pleasantness one is suppost to experience in association to the words "talent competition". I don't mean to imply these are the least talented people I've ever seen in a talent competition , just that in any competition worse that this one you at least had the pleasure of hurling peanuts.

Now I've never been a big fan of the pop idol franchise. I did however consistanly watch this season. Whilst every moment of watching it was like the gang raping of my nervous system , it seemed far too important to miss. Something like if an asteriod was flyng in a trajectory dangerously close to striking the earth and you just need to keep an eye on it in case. One felt if you didn't keep a watchful eye and provide much needed critical observational commentry to those in your immediete surroundings, the social fabric keeping civilisation together might tear apart at the seams.

I don't know when I fully realised how bad this show was...but it was very close to around about the time that the whole singing part started. In fact you could probably argue there's a strong correlation to be made there somewhere. None of the f#cking contestants could sing for sh!t !(And I don't even like that song.)

Firstly I have a serious problem with one of the major premises of the show : Namely that boys with spiky highlighted hair and tight pants were allowed to sing in public and people would care rather than throw them with sh!t. This is blatantly absurd. Maybe that's alright for American or some other country caught up in the metrosexual revolution , but f#ck me sideways ....not here buddy ! No ....someone f#ck those kids up good and proper and don't stop until they stop crying and man up. Then give them a rugby ball and tell them to going find some f#cking mud to play in.

Jesus christ ...when I grew up we'd be mocked if we were soft enough to wear f#cking shoes. Now days it seems the new de-generation actually wear the f#cking thing willingly ! Not only that but it seems they actually differentiate between one type of shoe and another. What the f#ck is going on ? What are they ? Women ?

Speaking of the women.... or should I say....the biological women...

Now being able to sing isn't the only talent I appreciate. If you're roughly human shaped, mostly alive and have some form of orifice , provided you're more femine than a gumboot it's well documented fact that I'd probably try and shag you. However of the female finalists of the show I'd probably only have shagged the afrikaans one. And that's only because she sang a leonard cohen song. The only girl who could sing was the thin black one....and if you still need clarity as to which black girl I'm talking about you're either blind or American (everyone seems thin compared to Americans). The other black girl could sing too but for fuck sakes....that's hardly a talent when you've got your own cave system to echo your voice out of.

They even tried to pawn off a midget as a pop star ! Now I know that's not very nice of me and I don't mean to be mean spirited. It's just that you're never going to get away with a midget as a pop star. People would be all like...."look at the adorable little mic stand !". It's nothing personal and there's loads midgets can do. They can be like little fleshy drinks tables for example. And let's be honest the discrimation is by no ways a 1 way street. You just try apply for a job being tossed into velcro for recreation and see how far you get ! Heightism is rife my friends !

Talking about Heightism , the fucking giraffe in the room is of course the hostess. Now maybe I spend too much time in asia , but the hostesses I've become familiar with over there speak when they're spoken to. But not this bitch ! You're just recovering from the sonic ear massacre so called song one of the CUNTestants has rendered only to be bitch slapped by having to listen to this women. It's not that's she's unpleasant on the ear , it's just what she says ! Everything is a cliche. It's like an overgrown bart simpson doll except replace "eat my shorts" and "ai coromba" with something about "if you want to vote for".

Now passing of a midget as a contestant and a giraffe as a host is one thing....but a male Indian ? Now a female Indian contestant would be fantastic as Indian girls are often super hot (Viva la IPL)...but for me the experience of listening to music is greatly dimished by constantly having to ask myself "Ok ..what's this guys angle ? What does he want ? Where's the catch ? Fuck , how much does he expect me to pay for this shit ?"

Now settle down. I'm not saying all Indians are manipulative, money fixated, dishonest wheelers and deelers. I'm not saying that at all. I'm implying it.

Then there's the winner ....Sasha-Lee. Now Sasha is a pretty thing if you can overlook the fringe, which should be quite easy to overlook. However going by the competition in general one can't overlook the fact that the fringe is possibly fashioned to hide the mark of the beast , so it's potentially not such a small thing. She can sing alright too I suppose and I've got nothing against her in general. Legally anyway. Yet.

The judges were true to form. Gareth Cliff who is a half decent South African continues to associate himself with this show edging off his cool points day by day. But knowing Gareth as I do he's doing it for the money and p#ssy and that's pretty gansta so I'll let him pass. The fat grumpy guy f#cked off to Australia to join the rest of the miserable moaners of the country..don't forget your old south african flag you turncoat wanka ! Can't bothered to talk about the rest really.

So there you have it. I think a fair and balanced review of he revelry that made up South African pop idols 2009. I've had my say and It's over now. There's no more reason for us to fight and we can put all of this behind us. All I ask in return is this. :Don't do it again !

F.A.T

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 11:16:00 +0000

(2007)

Our Solar System : Crap

Clitoridectomy : Mankind's last hope...

Here...pussy,pussy,pussy

Romance : Evil girl porn

American Sport/bum rape

Steve Irwin 0 : A Stingray 1

What the world needs now is tolerance.....but...

Also pretty classic

Greatest album/album review of all time

5 more myths about women

Bio Diversity : Crap

Undecided - but probably awesome

Grimms Forgotten tale : Rimjobs

What's in a womans handbag : Truth finally revealed .

Cocaine is bad , Mkay .

Christmas : Crap

5 New Years resolutions

Tucker Max

Sociobiology : Ain't it a bitch ?

Jake : Terror merchant/Friend

Women's Tennis : crap

Time for the Youth to fight back

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 11:13:00 +0000

God almighty . When not smiting down the poor with horrible diseases , or finding new and creative ways to cripple us with misery and fear , he's out there killing . He's like
the Ossama Bin Laden of the cosmos .

Of all the people in the world God likes to kill , he likes to kill old people the most . And who could
blame him ? Old people are crap .

I can't exactly pinpoint exactly what it is about old people I have such distaste for : The farting ? The slow driving ? The crap presents ? The constant mischief ? The all night debauched orgies ? Who knows .....! I think what bothers most people is that you never see old people working or doing anything useful . Just dilly dallying all over the place . Lazy pricks !

What's more , anyone who has ever been to an old age den of debauchery (known as “old age home”) , has seen how they sit around all day with a dull glaze on their faces, devoid of motivation or short term memory .Sure signs my friends , of heavy drug use . Fucking junkies ! I don't know about you , but I find myself very distressed that my hard earned tax money is being used to support the drug habits of these lazy jerks .

Sadly for me , I have some old people . “Granny” they call themselves . They always hinting I should get married , because everytime it's my birthday they give me fucking socks . Alright oldies ! I get it ...I have cold feet ! Now just leave me the fuck alone !

I suppose what bothers me about old people is that they are so deceptive and scheming . Whenever there is hard work to be done suddenly “Oh my back is too sore “ or “ I couldn't possibly lift that from my wheelchair” , but turn yourback for a second and they are running around dancing and fucking each other all the while laughing behind our backs .

I'm sick of it man . Sick of the laughter . Piss off old jerks !

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 11:13:00 +0000

Uncle Pete-O : How to save money on rice

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 11:13:00 +0000

Our latest recruit and contributer to the blog : Uncle Pete-O , this week teaches us how to save money on rice .

It's been a while since my Russian mail order bride tragically “mysteriously” and for no obvious reason “killed herself” . Maids are getting expensive and you generally aren't supposed to fuck them . So I thought it about time I put in for a new one .

This time however I was determined to do things right . No more Russians , as they cost you a fortune on vodka and potatoes and rather inconveniently have personalities . At first my mind leaned towards something spicy , Mexican perhaps , or maybe Thai . Finally good sense prevailed and I decided on Asian as I could just plonk down some cheap rice and water and be done with it .

One look through the Internet and a few clicks and soon my future wife was jetting off to meet me .

I arrived at the airport only to find the first in a long stream of disappointments . She was standing there , pretty as her pictures , but without a leash or cage in sight . Lucky I had a pair of handcuffs and soon the matter was settled and off I dragged her to Customs to declare her .

I get to customs and and promptly told by a snotty little man that she is a person not a commodity and thus doesn't need to be declared . I told him “don't be ridiculous man , she's a woman !” . Much arguing and frustration later it turns out the little twat was right . It was explained to me that by what I can only assume is some form of sick legal joke apparently “the law” states that women in fact are not commodities , but in fact have rights . What next I thought ...give them the fucking vote ? Ha ha ha .

Anyway I was pointed to the direction of immigration and soon matters were cleared up . Turns out she was from China and not Thailand , which was the first time I realised I ought to have read the “profile” instead of just choosing the one with the best tits .

Anyway , I drive her home , uncuff her and show her room in the basement . In the interim she's been trying to talk and say things in some stupid language . I think of beating her there and then , but I settle for gesturing with the mute button on the remote control . She gets the idea , shuts up and I reckon we're going to get along just fine . Things are going brilliantly but then late at night I'm awoken by the sounds of her rattling her chains . Fine , I thought , she's from a communist country . Time for her to learn about political dissent . What better way , I thought , that teaching her to 'hunger strike” .

And that's my friends , is “how to save money on rice” .

Next week : How to kill your friends and influence people .

F.A.T

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Sat, 26 May 2007 07:13:00 +0000

Welcome to the Finger and Thumb ...home of the Rooster : An artist , a philanthropist , an intellectual giant , a sexual wonder and a billionare ..all live in the same country as me .

Our Solar System : Crap

Clitoridectomy : Mankind's last hope...

Here...pussy,pussy,pussy

Romance : Evil girl porn

American Sport/bum rape

Steve Irwin 0 : A Stingray 1

What the world needs now is tolerance.....but...

Also pretty classic

Greatest album/album review of all time

5 more myths about women

Bio Diversity : Crap

Undecided - but probably awesome

Grimms Forgotten tale : Rimjobs

What's in a womans handbag : Truth finally revealed .

Cocaine is bad , Mkay .

Christmas : Crap

5 New Years resolutions

Tucker Max

Sociobiology : Ain't it a bitch ?

Jake : Terror merchant/Friend

Women's Tennis : crap

new (2007)

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Sat, 26 May 2007 07:08:00 +0000

2007

-
July

Uncle Peto: How to save money on rice

June
-
Time for the Youth to fight back !
-

May

Want to eradicate world poverty? Why not start with the poor ?

the 1980's : Crap

April

Kill all lonely people

Port Elizabeth : Hell on Earth

(March)

World's Worst STD : Children

God : The great white (bearded) hype.

Back to archive

Article Archive

F.A.T

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 09:34:00 +0000

Welcome to the Finger and Thumb ...home of the Rooster : An artist , a philanthropist , an intellectual giant , a sexual wonder and a billionare ..all live in the same country as me .

Classics

Our Solar System : Crap

Clitoridectomy : Mankind's last hope...

Here...pussy,pussy,pussy

Romance : Evil girl porn

American Sport/bum rape

Steve Irwin 0 : A Stingray 1

What the world needs now is tolerance.....but...

Also pretty classic

Greatest album/album review of all time

5 more myths about women

Bio Diversity : Crap

Undecided - but probably awesome

Grimms Forgotten tale : Rimjobs

What's in a womans handbag : Truth finally revealed .

Cocaine is bad , Mkay .

Christmas : Crap

5 New Years resolutions

Tucker Max

Sociobiology : Ain't it a bitch ?

Jake : Terror merchant/Friend

Women's Tennis : crap

Port Elizabeth : Hell on Earth

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 09:33:00 +0000

(I'll add more pictures to this article later , when I get time, so if you care resvisit later..)

The South African garden route . Splendid , gorgeous , beautiful . Whilst everybody knows the garden route extends from Cape Town , nobody can quite pinpoint where it ends .

However , what everyone universally agrees upon is that it stops somewhere BEFORE Port Elizabeth .

I hope for your sake you have been lucky enough to never visit Port Elizabeth . If you have you probably aren't reading this as you've likely committed suicide , or at least gouged out your eyes .

Man , I fucking hate Port Elizabeth .

Living in Port Elizabeth ....well I don't so much “live” here as “try refrain from killing everyone” ...is an experience I could liken to having your soul raped . It's hard to decide what the worst thing about Port Elizabeth is as one is really spoiled for choice : The wind , the people , the industrial overkill , the dolphins....

Port Elizabethans (that's the politically correct name for people from Port Elizabeth , but I prefer “Assholes” ) , until not long ago used to take pride in having a certain dolphin named “Dolly” . Dolly until she finally died (thank god) , was the oldest living Dolphin in captivity . This tells us 3 things .

Port Elizabeth has crap , old dolphins that can't even jump high .
Dolly was either lazy , or useless at escaping , and didn't deserve all that fish .
People in Port Elizabeth have no fucking lives .

Believe it or not , but the dolphins aren't even the worst thing about Port Elizabeth .. Firstly it has a lot of Adults. Afrikaner adults , which of course translates into a lot of overweight men in shorts and long socks , playing the song “De le Ray” from their Isuzu bakkies , wherever you go .The real crime of course is that in a cruel and unreasonable piece of government legislature , you are not even allowed to shoot them . And then there's the ”sokkie” music and “langarm” dancing , although possibly for this I assume the odd “drop” of murder is tolerated .

Secondly , P.E has lots of old people . Old people for which nobody wants to take responsibility for . They let them walk around willy-nilly mixing with the decent folk , without even so much as a leash ! Stupid old people everywhere , getting in the way ! Getting in the way , and farting .

If I had old people , I'd lock them into a room with some bingo and shout “shuddup and play old jerks ! “

Sometimes you even see them driving cars . What cocktail of crazy pills are people on to allow this ? If I see old people driving , even if they are driving normally I hoot and shout at them . Dumb old people : always giving me stupid woolen stuff and asking for the time . Always pretending they have something to offer and aren't worthless......give it up...you fooling nobody !

Man , the things I have to put up with .

Thirdly , Port Elizabeth has lots of children . At about 2pm they emerge.....children walking around in their little nasty gangs all dressed alike , talking about playstation . If the opportunity arises I'll always try and trip on or two , and inform them of my intentions to shag their mothers....but people tend to give you weird looks . Port Elizabeth freaks !

There's only one thing to do about all of this . And that's blow Port Elizabeth up . I'm not suggesting some pansy ass nuclear bombing ...I'm saying like ...the entire world's nuclear arsenal . I can't think of a better and more amusing way to rid the world of it's nuclear capacity . Humanity wants world peace , I want to blow the shit out of port elizabeth ....sounds to me like a fair trade .

I understand that we run the danger of actually blowing up the entire planet in such a scenario....but is it a risk worth taking .?

....well just look at this picture....

.....the answer is "Yes !"

(Back to my mainpage----> http://fingerandthumb.blogspot.com)

The World's Cruelest Std : Children

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 09:33:00 +0000

Man , I hate children .

Clean me ! Feed me ! Help me ! Teach me ! Protect me ! Me ! Me Me !

Stupid little selfish bastards .

Here is a suggestion folks : If you so badly want to live around selfish , noisy , short , stupid little people , instead of having kids , why not just move to Italy ?

What pisses me off most about kids , is they are always stealing all the attention despite being crap at everything .

“Hey ..look at me I can ride a tricycle !”

“ Hey look ! I can tie my own shoe laces...!!”

Big deal , kid jerks ! You've acquired the skills of a downs syndrome and you want adoration for it ?

Bullshit .

Let's face it , kids are crap . They can't do maths , draw , discuss cosmology , run fast , east spicy food or even burp properly ...I just don't get it... what's all the hype about ?

But most of all what I hate about kids , is that they are evil .

Of course I wouldn't make such a controversial or bold statement , without providing evidence.....take a look at these letters written to Amazing Jeff "the blind magician" .

Like the name would suggest Jeff is blind , just trying to get by through life using pity and the fact that he is blind to mask his mediocre skills as a magician . Yet look at the callous things some of these children write ...

Opened my eyes ? Way to go kid ! Let's just taunt poor blind Jeff , who probably only made a few bucks trying to entertain you ......then you go on to pose the existential , yet obviously intentionally mean question "does it get darker when the lights go out" ...just so that Jeff can feel a bit more depressed .

Not to mention you write a blind man a letter....a blind man ....a letter !!!

Evil little short jerks !

And if you think that's evil , check this out....

Anyone can see what the kid is really trying to say....

"Yeah Jeff....how do you "see" when the writing is in Braille ? Oh wait...could it be you don't see on account of being blind Jeff ? Blind , like a cold , dark, dark night.....ha ha ha Jeff....you blind asshole ! And why don't you have an "assistance" dog Jeff ? You're not only blind , you're blind and you don't even have a dog.....face it Jeff , you're crap ! Crap , dogless and blind ...ha ha ha ha ha ha ha"

If that's not enough....it's obvious taunting Jeff is not enough , look at this kid named Roman......His personal levels of depravity know no limit . He starts out his letter with an obvious attempt at accusing Jeff of Peodophilia and child abuse....and ends off with the groups usual taunting...

Kids are plain sick , I tell you ....plain sick . Here little John Shear gets in on the " Let's make teacher think Jeff is a peodophile " joke.......manipulative , scheming little terrorists !

It doesn't stop there....this kid accuses Jeff of expiring his world , before going on to imply Jeff was snorting cocaine during the performance.......

I could go on , but it's much to depressing.....

Back to my mainpage http://fingerandthumb.blogspot.com)

Cool stuff - updated daily .

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 09:33:00 +0000

Easter

Dear Jews

As usual , this time of year , I take it upon myself to offer my message to the Jewish community . Who could forget last years “Wow , you guys sure beat the crap out of our savior” ? And I still get mail regarding my article two years ago when I asked “ Wasn't the crown of thorns a bit much? “

This year I bring a simpler , gentler message : “ Thanks for the chocolate .”

Some Christians may feel chocolate is a small consolation when you consider that , well you did sort of ,for lack of a better word , flat out murder the hell out the son of their god....but not me .

Heck ..my compassion and forgiveness can be easily bought . I don't need like for example “30 pieces of silver “ .Nope ..chocolate will do just fine for me . And every year because of the blood thirsty , malicious and sadistic nature of your ethnic group's ancestors , I get chocolate .

Thanks again , and I sinerely hope you don't all burn in hell .

Slurms Plutonium (Designated speaker for the free world)

Back to main page

April 2nd

I suppose it make sense that the only decent thing to come out of Australia , Irene Bester , lives in South Africa . Still , that's no reason for her to talk to much . That's all she does ...talks ! Irene please , less talking , more sucking my penis .

Everyone knows the worst dj in the world is Ilana Africa . There are mute 3 year olds from the gambia , currently in a coma , which would make better Dj's than Ilana Africa . I would rather listen to a troop of transevestites scratch their fake nails on a chalk board , than listen to Ilana Africa . Please , let sanity previal and fire her immedietly .

The South African Blog awards apparently happen , no one cared . In huge part , no doubt related to my absense . I suppose I simply don't bore people with enough details about my personal life , so here goes my attempt to rectify the situation .

I woke up , I drank coffee , I shat . I drove to work , everyone pissed me off , I went home . I tried to watch tv , it pissed me off . I tried drink myself into a coma instead. The end .

Now cough up my vivunzela !

30th March

Chad Vader : Darth Vader's less accomplished brother...

Sunday 5th March

Cool marketing campaign for the new Trwent Reznor album .

http://www.anotherversionofthetruth.com/

Friday 2nd March

It's not my style of nature to post gorgeous women like some horny adolescent, but Reon Kadena has a sexiness that demands compromises ... no nudity or porn . We're a classy bunch here at the finger and thumb .

Monday 26th January

Trust Radiohead to make your Mondays a little bit better . Be sure to watch the whole thing ...Rabbit in the headlights ...

God : The great white (bearded) hype .

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 09:32:00 +0000

Religion is a sensitive matter , and very personal and subjective . One should always make room for the beliefs of others , and always try and respect that which they hold sacred . I believe strongly in these principles .

But let's face it , the flying Spaghetti monster could totally kick God's ass . God's pretty cool and hardcore , but the flying Spaghetti monster gets my dick hard .

I realise I'm going to burn for this . But God's kind of a wimp . Sure back in the day he didn't take shit, fuck around and he'd plague your ass , or bitch slap you with a flood . Shag someone in the bum and he'd turn you whole ass city into sand . But he's chilled out a lot , not so much that if it was stormy outside I'd still write this , but still , quite a bit .

We all know if we had “Cosmological Deity Wrestling” there would be some contenders . Buddha would make a pretty good sumo wrestler , and Allah would be formidable with all those virgins to throw him chairs to bash you wish , and distract you . Jesus would be pretty crap though , he'd probably try and throw you with an endless supply of fish . God's got some skills no doubt , we've all been witness to his ability to riddle our loved ones with fatal diseases and to smite our children with horrific accidents etc , but what he lacks is one thing . Tentacles .

If there's one thing the flying Spaghetti monster has , it's tentacles ! Lots and lots of tentacles ! I've looked into the dark meatballs eyes of the Spaghetti monster and let me tell you , he intends to use them .Laugh all you will , you and your precious God . You won;t be laughing when the long omnipotent arms of justice wrap themselves around you and squish you into bolognaise sauce !

So boys and girls when giving a shout out tonight in bed to the big G.O.D ...don't forget to give “props” to the Spaghetti monster as well .Cause let me tell you , that's one bad ass son of a bitch .

look.

But wrestling prowess aside , there are various other reasons to join ranks of pastarfarianism . Global warming for example . But mostly ask yourself : "do I want to be anyone's bitch ?"

well do you ?

Punk.

The 8 laws of the spagetti monster

1. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject.

2. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Don't Require Sacrifices, And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.

3. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey = Samey. One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking About Fashion And I'm Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal and Fuchsia.

(note : me and the spagetti monster differ slightly on the above one..women are for fetching beer and cooking steak)

4. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go Fuck Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off the TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.

5. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The Bastards.

6. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick):Ending PovertyCuring DiseasesLiving In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of CableI Might be a Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM the Creator.

7. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?

8.I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot Of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If The Other Person Is Into It, However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear a CONDOM! Honestly, It's A Piece Of Rubber. If I Didn't Want It To Feel Good When You Did It I Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.

and.,..

9. Buy overpriced spagetti monster t-shirts from Rooster's crap store here

Back to archive

The 1980's : Crap

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 11:55:00 +0000

I grew up in dark , dark times . It's wasn't quite the “black plague” or anything ....but it was just as traumatic : The 1980's .

The worst thing about being a child in the 1980's was of course the crap children's tv shows .Try as you may , who could forget the little blue minions of hell that were “the Smurfs" ?

"Flipper" (also known as " Stupid smiling fish with a hole in it")

When one considers that Dolphins are nothing more than gay sharks , one is reminded of a certain Dolphin named “flipper” . Except of course even for a dolphin flipper was extremely gay . Imagine that dolphins had TV shows , flipper would be the blonde guy in queer eye for the straight guy . He'd have the technology and he could rebuild you . Dry your tears . Well fuck you flipper ! Fuck you and your opinions on fashion !

Stupid flipper . Hey guys , I wonder how flipper will solve this weeks sea bound problem ? Maybe , just maybe , it will involve jumping high out the water . Or perhaps , just perhaps , he'll manipulate his environment using his nose . Mind blowingly it could involve a third option , flipper making annoying clicking dolphin noises . Wow , no wonder they made this show for kids . The fragile adult just couldn't handle it without mass over excitement fueled heart attacks

In fairness flipper was a “show” that ran from 1964-1967 , but thanks to S.A.B.C it was forced on my youth anyway . If it wasn't for Margot that slutty , sexy , flirty weather girl , I'd never have forgave them .

My little pony . (Also known as " Horn ass fuckers " )

My little pony wasn't a show so much a series of manipulative adverts used to market and a sell a product (I'm not actually joking) . That's all good and fine , as so was “He-man” . He-man however was awesome . The toys could do cool stuff like shag barbie and parachute . My little pony could only do crap girlie stuff like get it's mane and tail brushed . It's no wonder all you girls are so dumb with only that to stimulate your minds . I suppose My little ponies could do one cool thing , as I often demonstrated to the girls in my class : Melt . But even that they could only do once .

Then , in a cruel blow of fate I was banned from playing with fire .

Anyway , besides the toys being crap . the show was awful and basically about sex . God knows what they did with those horns .

Stupid 1980's . We should have killed it when we had the chance .

(T.B.C)

Kill all lonely people

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 11:54:00 +0000

Lonely people suck . For one thing they are very unsociable . Also , they have no friends .

I'm not saying we have to , but it's probably best if we kill lonely people .Or at least lock them up . No one will notice anyway .

Besides , lonely people are useless . They are always sitting looking out stupid windows , sighing . It's enough that they waste oxygen with their pathetic existence as it is , but must they also waste more through sighing deeply the whole time ? Greedy ,oxygen hogging ,lonely jerks .

When they aren't looking through windows , they are writing dumb poems . Lonely people take themselves way too seriously . I always find it ironic that the people in the world who care most about their problems are the same assholes who's problems no-one else cares about .

More so , lonely people are lazy . Never going out and doing anything , just sitting around . They always want love and affection , but they are never willing to go out there and work for it . Sorry folks , but if you want love , get out there and emotionally abuse people with a manipulative web of lies and self serving deceit like the rest of us .

What I really don't understand about lonely people is that they seem to be complaining about being alone. This infuriates me . What I'd give to just be left the fuck alone by all the other assholes that inhabit this earth . Shit , even the most forgiving guy of all time , Mr J.C needed 40 days alone in a desert . Sure he told Simon and the boys he had some reason , but really he just wanted to be the fuck alone and away from all the ass kissers.

Shit folks , we all get lonely sometimes ....that's why God made prostitutes and alcohol .

Ungrateful jerks .

(Back to the main page : www.fingerandthumb.blogspot.com )

Woman's tennis : crap .

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 11:54:00 +0000

Once again humanity doesn't fail to dissapoint me .
Popped over to good ol' supersport to watch what promised to voyeur festival of lithe russians womans underwear....of course I'm talking about Tennis .
And what do I find ? Both the women wearing ...get this...not shorts skirts and panties , but tights!!

Now I was pretty pissed off at the panties part to begin with . I was of the persistant view that women playing tennis should be forced into wearing g-strings .If you are getting paid a lot of money so that grown men can look up your skirt as you frollic around in slow motion replays...you better at least wear a g-string ! But now they have pushed me too far .

I mean....if there is not the exciting hint that one might catch a glimpse of sexy underwear ...then what is the point ? Then it's just two girls hitting a ball to each other ....they are free to do it or whatever but who the fuck cares ? If I wanted to see that I'd watch men .
They do it far better .

Time society faced up to facts .Women are there to be objectified . It's not rocket science ladies...so for fuck sakes....do it properly .

If you need help objectifying yourself , I suggest you look no further than "myspace" . Myspace is a website where women post slutty pictures under the misconception that it doesn't make them total whores . Yup , these girl sure know how to objectify themselves , and stand as a veritable pillar holding up societies view than women are nothing more than tits and arse , and certainly should never be taken seriously .

the point of course is the girls on myspace don't wear fucking tights under their skirts ! whether or not that's related to std's I can't say for sure .So come on girls , drop the bullshit act . In fact don't even bother with the "playing tennis " part . Get your g-strings and skirts on and simply walk into the arena . Do a few unpredictable bending manoevers . Occasionaly shriek as if you just orgasmed .....oh.....and get nipple stands .

Now I know some of you don't take this sort of thing seriously . But what next ? Girls playing tennis in tracksuits ? It's a short step from there to girls treating themselves with dignity instead as mere objects for our viewing pleasure, a very short step . And once that happens , I think we know what that means .

No more facial cum baths in porn .

A price ,I think we all agree , that is simply too high to pay .

Back to my mainpage http://fingerandthumb.blogspot.com)

FHM : If Downs Syndroms had a guidebook .

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 11:54:00 +0000

Humanity :When not conspiring to evade each other's anal cavities , we engage in all sorts of bazaar behavior . One of these is recording the human condition in form of “the magazine” .

Now as a young , middle class man , society would have you believe I'm represented by FHM . I'd like to take a few moments to debunk this misconception .

Something tells me FHM doesn't take me very seriously as an individual . Rather FHM labours under the impression that I am in fact a drooling idiot , because week after week it seems to imply my sole interests in the universe lie in fake mammary glands .

Now , It's not that I have anything against breasts . On the contrary I'm something of a fan and “nipple count” is high up there in my criteria when I'm decision making for choice of magazine . But shockingly even the wonders of “chest fat” has it's limitations . When someone has gone to great efforts to insert bags of toxic silicon into themselves , some of the “magic” is lost for me , for example .

I suppose it has something to do with preference . I prefer my women not to look like drag queens . Why then , dear god , does FHM insist on lacing their pages with fake blonde haired , baloon chested “women” with faces smeared with enough make up to do a crack whore proud ?
The poses are real classy too . You might even call them sutle (if you were a rapist) . Once you have allowed all this glorious beauty to soak in , FHM allows some insight into the “girls” world via a brief interview .

The critical , insightful interview always evolves around those tough philosophical and ideological ponderings that have always baffled the great thinkers of our species . When complete one will never again need to look to the sky's and beg the answers from the god's as to whether “she has done it with another girl”! Nor will one ever again need to grapple with questions such as “does she wear underwear” or “when did she lose her virginity” . Sarcasm aside , it's safe to say it's possible to actually die from lack of brain activity while reading FHM .

Then , if you survive the interview section without your defense mechanism kicking in repressing your memory of how to read . You still have some tough obstacles to over come , before you can triumphantly turn the last page , raise your arms and declare “I piss in the face of danger and good judgment!”.

No obstacle however is quite so scary however , as “the sex advice” column . Firstly , one can be sure of little in this crazy world , but you can bank on this wisdom : Nobody reading a column offering advice on better sex is getting laid . Ever . I shudder to think , and weep from pity , for all the girls out there who's boyfriends are putting FHM's advice into practice . Right about now the poor horny mix just wants a good ramming , but Don Juan there is insisting they need to spice up their love life through “better communication” , while he sets the silk sheets on fire , with the candles in a comedic attempt at “romance” . Man , people suck .Not people , just other people .

The cruel irony is once you have bought FHM , you will want to do nothing more that use it to wipe your bum . But in a clever added level of cruelty they print it on sharp , glossy paper so that even this pleasure and privilege is selfishly ripped from you .

If one were to take monkeys and put them into a room full of type writers , and left them there for 5 minutes they would come up with something better than FHM .However , in fairness that's based on the assumptions that they would actually shit on the paper .

Yes sir and madams .Fuck FHM . Fuck South African FHM , with their pathetic efforts at copying the other version and adding in some pathetic local slang . Dickheads.

Fuck them right until the day they decide to publish my articles , at which point , of course : redemption .

Christmas : Crap

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 11:54:00 +0000

On the few occasions I don't pass out in a drunken stupor brought on by the sheer weigh of irritation the world daily provides me with...I find myself awake at night thinking about things .

Many things concern me , but nothing quite so much as death . I worry about dying quite a lot . Will my poor long suffering mother while nostalgically looking through my things , find my collection of Japanese “paraphernalia” ? Have I done enough actually bad deeds to ensure I don't end up in heaven with the boring and frigid girls ?

However despite all these concerns , I do take solace and comfort in one fact : thank god I won't have to live through another Christmas .

Christmas is the time for giving ......Giving me a migraine ! May I present the 5 biggest Christmas irritations .

1)Crap presents .

Stupid Christmas . All the smiling and shiny paper and stupid old people giving you socks! Somehow society seems to labour under the misconception that I've got cold feet , cause I'm always getting socks at Christmas from old people .I'm actually going to impale the next old person who gives me socks with their walking stick . I mean what the fuck ?

It's always old people who are cheeky enough to try and pull this one . Well nice try oldies , I'm catching on ! Just cause you can't control your bowel movement that's no excuse to be cheap skates ! No more crap piss taking presents or else it's straight to the frail care ! I'm here busting my ass spreading your passed down genetic code with every slut I can find , and how do you repay me ? Socks ? I swear , listen to me good oldies....no more socks !!

2)Carol singing .

Look society .Make up your mind . Either Carol singing is banned , or murder be legalised over the festive season . It's simple not realistic or reasonable to allow people to sing Carols and expect me not to kill them . It's bad enough I must have my ears raped over the radio by Cristina Aguilera and the likes , but some song about a stupid alcoholic red nosed antelope is more than I can take .

3)Having to act like you care about people .

Christmas is the time your crappy family comes around and suddenly everyone wants to act like they care about each other . Experience has taught me this only leads down a path of despair : namely having to hug and kiss the cheeks of stubbly , smelly old ladies . If this is the price one has to pay for receiving some love and care , please , count me out .

4)Santa

This is a double edged sword . On the one hand of course I hate Santa . He does have a beard after all, and my mother told me to never trust a man with a beard . Add to that he's always sitting with some strangers little boy or girl on his lap , enjoying it far too much and bribing them with presents to fulfill his sick pleasures (no doubt) .But on the other hand it really can be fun telling kids he doesn't really exist , and then giving them that knowing look that says “Yes son , mommy and daddy lie to you . Welcome to the cold shitty world , and watch as it crushes your dreams and rapes your soul .”

5 ) Watching your Jewish friends laughing at you because they get their holidays AND yours . Assholes .

Back to my mainpage http://fingerandthumb.blogspot.com)

F.A.T

noreply@blogger.com (The Rooster) — Mon, 11 Dec 2006 06:51:00 +0000

Welcome to the Finger and Thumb ...home of the Rooster : An artist , a philanthropist , an intellectual giant , a sexual wonder and a billionare ..all live in the same country as me .

(16th/12th) Casino Royale

(11/12th) 5 new years resolutions

(27/11th) : What's in a girls handbag : The truth finally revealed

17/11/2006 : all about Tucker Max

12/11/2006 : : Jake : Terror Merchant/Friend

Classics

Our Solar System : Crap

Clitoridectomy : Mankind's last hope...

Here...pussy,pussy,pussy

Romance : Evil girl porn

American Sport/bum rape

Steve Irwin 0 : A Stingray 1

What the world needs now is tolerance.....but...

Also pretty classic

Greatest album/album review of all time

5 more myths about women

Bio Diversity : Crap

Doomsday Devices reconsidered...

Bigfoot : Fuck him

Teenagers : the case for mass jailing .

The Tokolosh : why short people are universally loathed .

Ann Coulter : Herpes personified .

Look, god .We're sorry about the apple .

50 Cent : Rap's Elton John

Grimms Forgotten tale : Rimjobs

Random Mysoginistic rantings

All the Equal animals and other perpetuated crap .

Sociobiology : ain't it a bitch ?

Look wife ,it's simple .

Other

Heinz dilema

Wank festivals of the neurotic masses

Cocaine is bad , Mkay .