Uncle Pete-O : How to save money on rice

Our latest recruit and contributer to the blog : Uncle Pete-O , this week teaches us how to save money on rice .

It's been a while since my Russian mail order bride tragically “mysteriously” and for no obvious reason “killed herself” . Maids are getting expensive and you generally aren't supposed to fuck them . So I thought it about time I put in for a new one .

This time however I was determined to do things right . No more Russians , as they cost you a fortune on vodka and potatoes and rather inconveniently have personalities . At first my mind leaned towards something spicy , Mexican perhaps , or maybe Thai . Finally good sense prevailed and I decided on Asian as I could just plonk down some cheap rice and water and be done with it .

One look through the Internet and a few clicks and soon my future wife was jetting off to meet me .

I arrived at the airport only to find the first in a long stream of disappointments . She was standing there , pretty as her pictures , but without a leash or cage in sight . Lucky I had a pair of handcuffs and soon the matter was settled and off I dragged her to Customs to declare her .

I get to customs and and promptly told by a snotty little man that she is a person not a commodity and thus doesn't need to be declared . I told him “don't be ridiculous man , she's a woman !” . Much arguing and frustration later it turns out the little twat was right . It was explained to me that by what I can only assume is some form of sick legal joke apparently “the law” states that women in fact are not commodities , but in fact have rights . What next I thought ...give them the fucking vote ? Ha ha ha .

Anyway I was pointed to the direction of immigration and soon matters were cleared up . Turns out she was from China and not Thailand , which was the first time I realised I ought to have read the “profile” instead of just choosing the one with the best tits .

Anyway , I drive her home , uncuff her and show her room in the basement . In the interim she's been trying to talk and say things in some stupid language . I think of beating her there and then , but I settle for gesturing with the mute button on the remote control . She gets the idea , shuts up and I reckon we're going to get along just fine . Things are going brilliantly but then late at night I'm awoken by the sounds of her rattling her chains . Fine , I thought , she's from a communist country . Time for her to learn about political dissent . What better way , I thought , that teaching her to 'hunger strike” .

And that's my friends , is “how to save money on rice” .

Next week : How to kill your friends and influence people .


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