If you have a spare torpedo I have a suggestion for it's use

It all looked good on the brochure . A sea cruise . Shit , something , I thought , very hard even for me not to enjoy .

Man . Was I f#cking wrong .

The events I’m about to describe to you are not for the faint hearted and involve amongst other shitty things , a catatonia inducing blend of both Kurt Darren and Afrikaaners .

Things started off pretty well . I managed to drive through Durban without one single Indian trying to scam me . Freakish luck aside , it all went downhill from there . And quickly .

Upon arriving at the harbour I laid eyes upon my vessel . The rather unaptly named "symphony" . If The QE2 is the "queen of the seas" , then the Symphony is surely the crack whore . Fuck that boat . I didn't have time to dwell on this much as I was soon bitchslapped with the worst of news . Kurt Darren would be on board as the "entertainment" .

This breaks one very important and fundamental law I like to live by . Let me demonstrate .

I have long since resigned myself to the fact that I'm a failure as an astronaut and nuclear physicist and that I must live out my shitty life in the same universe and even worse ,share the planet with Kurt Darren . But the same boat ? I was forced to make some tough decisions . Share a boat with my nemesis and universally reknown cunt , Kurt Darren , or give someone free money . Fuck them . I boarded .

Big mistake . From the very moment the ship headed out to sea I was stuck in a personalised experience of hell .

Correct me if I'm wrong , but when thinking of the experience of a "sea cruise" , I somehow got this sort of image in my head of sophistication . Quaint deckside banter and quirky , but informative lectures on "The big bang theory" . Sipping cocktails and sharing investment advice with real estate tycoons . Scantily clad , but endearingly classy exotic waitresses eager to smile and giggled at our good tasted quips , while a well rehearsed mini orchesta serenaded us with the works of Bach (Johan Sebastian , fuck the other guy) , Beithoven , Tschaikovsky and Mozart .

Oh . And this .

Let's take a look at the reality shall we ?

Now , it's not that I have anything against fat people . It's just that I hate them and they piss me off . But fat people with umbrellas ? You must be joking .

Now add in the nasiating dimension that 99.9% of these fat people were Afrikaans . I was stuck on a boat with 1500 fat afrikaaners including , but exclusively , Kurt Darren .

I'll alow a brief moment for shuddering and general noises of dissaproval/vomiting .

One plays these things out in your mind from time to time . We all have our great fears and nightmares . Mine had just become a reality .

Of course the sensible thing to do would be to jump and swim for it , and if not for fear of heart stabbing stingrays and sobriety I would have done it . Instead like a masochistic idiot I headed for my cabin .

After guzzling away a bottle of my booze I sneaked on board (you kind of allowed to bring it on , but I like my illusions of anti establishmental anarchy ) I braved out to the deck . That's when I saw it .

Line dancing .

To Achy breaky heart .

By Billy Ray Cyris .

Line dancing ........

Evidence of a world gone mad , is the unreasonable illegality through which we're not allowed to kill people who line dance . There should be a simple test which people should have to pass in order to be allowed to not die . And it should definately ask about line dancing .

"Fuck this" , I predictably said . I headed to the casino and proceeded to try soothe myself with good old fashoned vice .

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