Jake : Terror merchant/friend

I've got a dog named “Jake” .

Jake and me have enjoyed 10 years of the most profound and respectful companionship . Let me categorically for the record state , Jake is the worlds most awesome dog .

Jake is a man's dog. I wouldn't describe him as a gentleman, as he is prone to random bouts of humping things. He is also known for inappropriate and unapologetic farting, erections and public urination. But then again , so am I.

One certainly can't accuse him of ever giving any one a warm and friendly reception at my gate. He also on a daily basis engages in what one might describe as“a good bark. Therefore it's safe to say Jake isn't much liked by the neighBORES . In fact I am sure his name is slipped into conversations involving Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler at their dinner tables. But fekk them.

As I said , Jake is a man's dog. He wont lick you in the face like some pansy ass gay dog(Excuse me , I'm homophobic , but Jake sure is), rather he'll ensure he sits upright and dignified by your side, in a show of solidarity. He doesn't solve problems with winging, chunking, sniveling or moaning, he solves them with his teeth. He doesn't beg for food , he TRUSTS I'd never let him go without(out of a healthy fear of him). He doesn't nibble bones and bury them, he crunches them one bite. If a poodle ever crossed his path, depending on gender he'd either eat it , or shag it(but he'd never call her).

I love my dog very, very much. We share a mutual hatred for cats, relationship commitment and bathing. Not in the same way an Australian might love a sheep ...but as much as a man could love anything short of bestiality. But I've come to a troubling revelation ....

Jake is racist.

Seriously, Jake does not like black people. By “not like” what I mean is “wants to kill”. In fairness to Jake the listing of things he does like, would be very short . Consisting mostly of a variety of bones, me, drooling and sex. But he seems to have a particularly developed distaste for black people. Black people, and being washed .

I am not sure of Jake's reasoning here. He is what can be described as a complicated dog. Even the black gardener, responsible for giving the dogs their food, risks his life on daily basis. Persons of color assuming they may approach within 5 miles from the house find themselves sadly mistaken and dangerously misinformed. I am sure I would receive literally a truck full of court summons, were the postman not too afraid to approach.

As something of a social scientist myself, I have searched long and hard for the possible motives behind Jake's bigotry, and have decided the fault must lie with me. Somehow I must have projected some kind of detectable fear of black people. Possible subconscious as black people lost all their street credibility the day 50 cent started wearing fur coats, dancing, being bodily conscious and hanging with a group of men called G-Unit(G for GAY. I certainly don't feel consciously afraid of black people. I've always said I'm black from the waist down, and when it comes to the idea of sleeping with women....I'm an afri-Can, Not an Afri-Can't.

Should I ever have the illustrious pleasure to again meet Mr Mandela (yes , I've been introduced, although he probably doesn't talk about it as much as me), I will warn him to be astute, because there seems no limit to Jake's ambition to bite all black people at least once.

Sadly, with Jakes advanced years, I feel he will meet his end before he reconciles . He will go up to the dog kennel in the sky where some virgin poodles will await him.I say virgin poodles because I'm pretty sure Jake given the choice Jake would be Muslim. He'd like the idea of using terror to fulfill your agenda. I expect upon this fateful and sad day that's Jakes allows death to walk up to the heavens, to hear audible cheers from the local township. I would not be entirely surprised to find people traveling from far and wide to urinate on his tombstone , which will read :

Here lies Jake : I still wouldn't come that close if I were you .