5 new years resolutions...

I'm sitting here on the first official day of my holidays . It's sunny outside , I've got some music on and I'm feeling glorious .

Never the less...Before I begin this entry , I'd like to say a general “fuck you” to the entire northern hemisphere . And I'd like to offer the exact same sentiment to the “eastern” parts of the southern hemisphere (Australasia) .Screw you assholes and I hope that you choke . May the season greet you with 10 foot thick snow and herpes .

I'm getting my new years resolutions out early this year . Think of it as a “friendly gesture of warning” .

Next year ...

(1)I will dedicate far more time to decimating the entire production team of MK89 . For those not in the know MK89 is a festering boil upon the bum of South Africa , disguised as a music channel . The problem is the music is in Afrikaans , which is a language that could easily be mistaken for burping , and coughing up phlem .

If you were to “google” MK89 and “pressed ”I'm feeling lucky” , you would no doubt come across a page consisting of geriatric , fat, Germans giving each other (and goats) rim jobs , because it's impossible to differentiate MK89 from goats and rim jobs . But trust me , that would be "lucky" .

Until you have been exposed to the “artistic talents” of Kurt Darren , I don't think you could fully understand . I use the words “Artistic talent” because currently there is no English equivalent of “entire lack of talent so extreme it makes you doubt god” .

Kurt Darren makes music videos , which I can only assume are watched by the same type of people who like to watch Japanese girls farting , Russian women fucking horses , or “East Enders” . Because a Kurt Darren music video , like East Enders exists only as a form of galactic suicide note .

Let me explain : Kurt Darren dances and sings with a smirk on his face . I'm serious .He can sing and smirk at the same time .If this doesn't stop , Kurt Darren will be the end of us all . Surely we have tested the patience of the universes alien races too far by allowing Kurt Darren to live , and I've no doubt there can be no greater catalyst and motivation to invent intergalactic travel , than the blowing up of the planet that spawned Kurt Darren .

So aliens , if you are reading this , I wash my hands of “Kurt Darren” and I apologize for the trauma he has caused you . Don't get me wrong , I've nothing against you blowing up this crap hole of a planet . But I'd just like you to take me with you first. After all , if you are a race of malicious , destructive people bend on universal domination , I'm sure I would fit right in . Perhaps you could hire me as some sort of consultant .

Resolution 2 : Start smoking and blowing it in the face of all the people trying to quit .

I don't think this needs any explanation .

Resolution 3 : I will loosen the grip on all laws not allowing me to enslave women into a Harem . Frankly , it's the 21st century and we still are not enslaving women into harems in this country . Enough is enough .Time to put out collective feet down and make a stand for progress .

Resolution 4

Give up giving a shit about everything .There we go .Tick .

Resolution 5

Eating more endangered animals . Animal rights activists has enough to worry about as it is .Stress is dangerous and I think it's my duty to alleviate some of their “responsibilities” . Besides , if no one ate endangered animals , there would be less museums . And museums are pretty cool .

No comments: