Christmas : Crap

On the few occasions I don't pass out in a drunken stupor brought on by the sheer weigh of irritation the world daily provides me with...I find myself awake at night thinking about things .

Many things concern me , but nothing quite so much as death . I worry about dying quite a lot . Will my poor long suffering mother while nostalgically looking through my things , find my collection of Japanese “paraphernalia” ? Have I done enough actually bad deeds to ensure I don't end up in heaven with the boring and frigid girls ?

However despite all these concerns , I do take solace and comfort in one fact : thank god I won't have to live through another Christmas .

Christmas is the time for giving ......Giving me a migraine ! May I present the 5 biggest Christmas irritations .

1)Crap presents .

Stupid Christmas . All the smiling and shiny paper and stupid old people giving you socks! Somehow society seems to labour under the misconception that I've got cold feet , cause I'm always getting socks at Christmas from old people .I'm actually going to impale the next old person who gives me socks with their walking stick . I mean what the fuck ?

It's always old people who are cheeky enough to try and pull this one . Well nice try oldies , I'm catching on ! Just cause you can't control your bowel movement that's no excuse to be cheap skates ! No more crap piss taking presents or else it's straight to the frail care ! I'm here busting my ass spreading your passed down genetic code with every slut I can find , and how do you repay me ? Socks ? I swear , listen to me good oldies....no more socks !!

2)Carol singing .

Look society .Make up your mind . Either Carol singing is banned , or murder be legalised over the festive season . It's simple not realistic or reasonable to allow people to sing Carols and expect me not to kill them . It's bad enough I must have my ears raped over the radio by Cristina Aguilera and the likes , but some song about a stupid alcoholic red nosed antelope is more than I can take .

3)Having to act like you care about people .

Christmas is the time your crappy family comes around and suddenly everyone wants to act like they care about each other . Experience has taught me this only leads down a path of despair : namely having to hug and kiss the cheeks of stubbly , smelly old ladies . If this is the price one has to pay for receiving some love and care , please , count me out .


This is a double edged sword . On the one hand of course I hate Santa . He does have a beard after all, and my mother told me to never trust a man with a beard . Add to that he's always sitting with some strangers little boy or girl on his lap , enjoying it far too much and bribing them with presents to fulfill his sick pleasures (no doubt) .But on the other hand it really can be fun telling kids he doesn't really exist , and then giving them that knowing look that says “Yes son , mommy and daddy lie to you . Welcome to the cold shitty world , and watch as it crushes your dreams and rapes your soul .”

5 ) Watching your Jewish friends laughing at you because they get their holidays AND yours . Assholes .

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