Romance : Evil girl porn .

I've seen a few depraved sexual things in my life before .I've lived in Bangkok . I've seen a woman make love to an eel . I've had “beautiful women” show me their large breasts ......right before their large penises . I thought I'd seen it all .

Man can prepare himself in life . Even if your Jet is going down in flames , you can get into the fucking brace position . But nothing , oh dear god , nothing can prepare you for "Alex and Emma”.

When I invited my lady friend over to watch some Dvd's , I envisaged a quiet night of car cashes and explosions , or perhaps Will Ferrell's cinematic opus : Anchorman : The legend of Ron burgundy ....... I had no intentions of having my eyes raped !





But that's exactly what happened !

Alex and Emma , is the type of film that not only rapes your eyes . But , because of it's romantic nature: it promises to keep raping them happily ever after ! Day after fucking day ! Vietnam had it's share of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder , but nothing on Alex and Emma . Some veterans were lucky enough to have survived Vietnam and still maintain their faith in humanity , only later to see “Alex and Emma” and have their souls crushed !

This isn't so much a movie as ...radiation . While you watch it , you can actually feel it slowly killing you inside .

And yet , women enjoy this film .This is for several reasons .Firstly ,as we all know , women have no souls . Only a deep cold , hollow husk , which they intend to fill with shoes . But mostly I suggest , it's because romance is porn for women .....

It's one of the 5 common *misconceptions about women , that they only come out at night .

Many people , when thinking about women , imagine them sacrificing a small harmless animal to boil in their big black pots , cackling away as they torture it first .No, no .In fact they creep amongst us in day too . They can be found in all those places a man wouldn't dare venture : Shoes stores , street corners , the romantic section of the video store ......

That's where women go to get their porn .Now in case you have never experienced the horror of Romance films , have a seat and fix yourself a strong drink . You gonna need it .

Basically what happens is some poor sod , just trying to “ slip one in” gets cock teased by some frigid girl with a weird fetish for only shagging guys she has personally emotionally crippled .

I'll save the sociology lesson for another time .But once she's got him in her sick web of sexual fetish ,the nasty business really arrives .

One thing these films can teach you , is that women have some pretty sick perverted fetishes . Let's briefly look at a few .

Petalism : The enjoyment of making love whilst on the dead petals of flowers (often roses) ..

The act : ripping apart perfectly good roses , then er.....fucking on them .

Now , I've been exposed to some weird ass porn before .Golden showers , rim jobs ..er..horses . But this is some fucked up , depraved shit ! I mean flower petals sexually arousing you ?

What the fuck ?

Silksheetalism : the enjoyment of making love whilst on the woven bum goo of worms .

The act : Complexly harvesting and producing material from cacoons ( that comes from the bums of silk worms) .....and then.....er fucking on it .

Forget the morbid flower petal depravity . This is just insane ! Apparently this is a huge turn on to women , or so their pornography would have you believe .

Candelightalism : The enjoyment of making love by Candlelight .

The act : Many candles are set up around the bed , lit , apparently enhancing the women sexual pleasure .

So we've gathered girls like to shag on all sorts of wierd stuff , but this one is even creepier . But It doesn't surprise me . Women , candles , black cauldrons, cats ...newts tail ...one expects to find them together .

The important thing to remember Gentlemen is that it's very likely part of some pagan ritual designed to steal your soul . So be careful .

So next time you lady complains about your kinky shit , you just tell her...

Sure I might like a bit "push in the toosh" ....but I'm not into damn worm cacoons! Tt's the right thing to do .

* (The other 4 misconceptions are : They have hearts , they have feelings , you can kill them with a silver bullet or a stake through the heart) ..

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