God : The great white (bearded) hype .

Religion is a sensitive matter , and very personal and subjective . One should always make room for the beliefs of others , and always try and respect that which they hold sacred . I believe strongly in these principles .

But let's face it , the flying Spaghetti monster could totally kick God's ass . God's pretty cool and hardcore , but the flying Spaghetti monster gets my dick hard .

I realise I'm going to burn for this . But God's kind of a wimp . Sure back in the day he didn't take shit, fuck around and he'd plague your ass , or bitch slap you with a flood . Shag someone in the bum and he'd turn you whole ass city into sand . But he's chilled out a lot , not so much that if it was stormy outside I'd still write this , but still , quite a bit .

We all know if we had “Cosmological Deity Wrestling” there would be some contenders . Buddha would make a pretty good sumo wrestler , and Allah would be formidable with all those virgins to throw him chairs to bash you wish , and distract you . Jesus would be pretty crap though , he'd probably try and throw you with an endless supply of fish . God's got some skills no doubt , we've all been witness to his ability to riddle our loved ones with fatal diseases and to smite our children with horrific accidents etc , but what he lacks is one thing . Tentacles .

If there's one thing the flying Spaghetti monster has , it's tentacles ! Lots and lots of tentacles ! I've looked into the dark meatballs eyes of the Spaghetti monster and let me tell you , he intends to use them .Laugh all you will , you and your precious God . You won;t be laughing when the long omnipotent arms of justice wrap themselves around you and squish you into bolognaise sauce !

So boys and girls when giving a shout out tonight in bed to the big G.O.D ...don't forget to give “props” to the Spaghetti monster as well .Cause let me tell you , that's one bad ass son of a bitch .


But wrestling prowess aside , there are various other reasons to join ranks of pastarfarianism . Global warming for example . But mostly ask yourself : "do I want to be anyone's bitch ?"
well do you ?
The 8 laws of the spagetti monster

1. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject.
2. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Don't Require Sacrifices, And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.
3. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey = Samey. One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking About Fashion And I'm Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal and Fuchsia.
(note : me and the spagetti monster differ slightly on the above one..women are for fetching beer and cooking steak)
4. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go Fuck Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off the TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.
5. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Misandric,Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The Bastards.
6. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick):Ending PovertyCuring DiseasesLiving In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of CableI Might be a Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM the Creator.
7. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?
8.I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot Of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If The Other Person Is Into It, However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear a CONDOM! Honestly, It's A Piece Of Rubber. If I Didn't Want It To Feel Good When You Did It I Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Awesome style. I wish I could write that way.