2/01/2007

Port Elizabeth : Hell on Earth

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(I'll add more pictures to this article later , when I get time, so if you care resvisit later..)


The South African garden route . Splendid , gorgeous , beautiful . Whilst everybody knows the garden route extends from Cape Town , nobody can quite pinpoint where it ends .




However , what everyone universally agrees upon is that it stops somewhere BEFORE Port Elizabeth .




I hope for your sake you have been lucky enough to never visit Port Elizabeth . If you have you probably aren't reading this as you've likely committed suicide , or at least gouged out your eyes .




Man , I fucking hate Port Elizabeth .




Living in Port Elizabeth ....well I don't so much “live” here as “try refrain from killing everyone” ...is an experience I could liken to having your soul raped . It's hard to decide what the worst thing about Port Elizabeth is as one is really spoiled for choice : The wind , the people , the industrial overkill , the dolphins....

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Port Elizabethans (that's the politically correct name for people from Port Elizabeth , but I prefer “Assholes” ) , until not long ago used to take pride in having a certain dolphin named “Dolly” . Dolly until she finally died (thank god) , was the oldest living Dolphin in captivity . This tells us 3 things .






  1. Port Elizabeth has crap , old dolphins that can't even jump high .



  2. Dolly was either lazy , or useless at escaping , and didn't deserve all that fish .



  3. People in Port Elizabeth have no fucking lives .




Believe it or not , but the dolphins aren't even the worst thing about Port Elizabeth .. Firstly it has a lot of Adults. Afrikaner adults , which of course translates into a lot of overweight men in shorts and long socks , playing the song “De le Ray” from their Isuzu bakkies , wherever you go .The real crime of course is that in a cruel and unreasonable piece of government legislature , you are not even allowed to shoot them . And then there's the ”sokkie” music and “langarm” dancing , although possibly for this I assume the odd “drop” of murder is tolerated .




Secondly , P.E has lots of old people . Old people for which nobody wants to take responsibility for . They let them walk around willy-nilly mixing with the decent folk , without even so much as a leash ! Stupid old people everywhere , getting in the way ! Getting in the way , and farting .




If I had old people , I'd lock them into a room with some bingo and shout “shuddup and play old jerks ! “




Sometimes you even see them driving cars . What cocktail of crazy pills are people on to allow this ? If I see old people driving , even if they are driving normally I hoot and shout at them . Dumb old people : always giving me stupid woolen stuff and asking for the time . Always pretending they have something to offer and aren't worthless......give it up...you fooling nobody !


Man , the things I have to put up with .



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Thirdly , Port Elizabeth has lots of children . At about 2pm they emerge.....children walking around in their little nasty gangs all dressed alike , talking about playstation . If the opportunity arises I'll always try and trip on or two , and inform them of my intentions to shag their mothers....but people tend to give you weird looks . Port Elizabeth freaks !


There's only one thing to do about all of this . And that's blow Port Elizabeth up . I'm not suggesting some pansy ass nuclear bombing ...I'm saying like ...the entire world's nuclear arsenal . I can't think of a better and more amusing way to rid the world of it's nuclear capacity . Humanity wants world peace , I want to blow the shit out of port elizabeth ....sounds to me like a fair trade .




I understand that we run the danger of actually blowing up the entire planet in such a scenario....but is it a risk worth taking .?

....well just look at this picture....



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.....the answer is "Yes !"


(Back to my mainpage----> http://fingerandthumb.blogspot.com)

2 comments:

Emerald said...

Well said.

Anonymous said...

Pic reminds me of the tea party after my mother in law's funeral.