9/15/2006

Steve Irwin : 0 Vs Stingray : 1


I've been saying it for years : Don't let a fucking stingray stab you in the heart !

But you always knew better ? Didn't you Steve Irwin “crocodile hunter” ?

“Steve , Crocodiles are dangerous animals , it's best really to leave them alone” , we said .

“Crickey Mate ! Watch while I hump the heck out of this big fella , then chuck a shrimp on the barbi !”, you said....

......and on it went . Man versus Animal .Nature versus Nurture . Hairless monkey versus jagged tooth beast .

That's all fine , Crocodiles aren't known for their intelligence . Even when compared to Australians the Crocodile generally comes off second best in the brains department (generally) . But Steve got cocky.....he took it to far .....he fucked with a Stingray !!

Now a stingray , for those not in the know , is basically a combination of two things . A spike ...and Evil .The spike is kind of surrounded by the Evil and it swims around the ocean generally and randomly fucking with things . It's like the Donald Rumesfeld of the sea . If Satan had pets , they would be Stingrays .But only cause they would let him !

You can see it in their eyes . I've seen German porn with kinder spinchters , than the eyes of a stingray . But Steve Irwin knew best . *rolls eyes

Now some people say it was a freak accident . But deep down we all know the truth . It was Paul Hogan “Crocodile Dundee”'s fault ! Him and his stupid hat ! Damn you Paul Hogan ! If it wasn't for Paul's films about a crocodile hunting Australians , they rest of the world would never have picked up on this stereotype ......and neither would Steve “ can't hunt Stingrays for shit” Irwin !

Nope, we'd all just have stuck to our stereotypes of Australians being genocidal, bestiality lovers , who drink shit beer . Never dragged from our comfort zone .We'd laugh at that fat bastard Shane Warne trying to be graceful in the cricket (like a hippo in a tutu) and let them win out of pity . But Steve “my heart is a pin cushion for stingrays” Irwin would still be alive !

There's one last thing to say about a Stingray . All women are like Stingrays . Stab you right through the heart , and when they let go , it hurts even fucking more .

Maybe that's why brave Steve “ metaphor for the human condition” Irwin , had to go after the foul beast .

Taming a vile , brainless , nasty beast like a crocodile for entertainment is one thing . But something that could be linked to both Donald Rumsfelt and Women ......was surely worth wrestling to the fucking ground and dropping off in some swamp far .....far away .

The world lost a very special ,one of a kind ,unique Australian today .

One with a heart .

Which of course , a sting ray shoved his stinger through .

Typical .


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2 comments:

Bella_Freud said...

no need to slash wrists. large doses of valium will do...Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

stingraysareevil said...

stingrays are evil. All the proof is here

stingraysareevil.com