Bio-diversity : Crap

There are many questions that keep me awake at night . Why won't they approve Australia as a Nuclear “testing” site ? Why won't Shane Warne just Piss off ? Why is 49 such a crap number? What's so fucking great about bio-Diversity ?

Now , I'm not one to Gung-Ho randomly propagate the mass murder of all the planets life . Nope . I gave it much thought and reflection .

Let's face it folks .Animals are crap .

When we discuss animals in the context of being crap . Obviously we don't mean dogs . Dogs are super insane awesome . And some people are ok too . Certainly not Australians or The French , but some people . Hot women for example. And me .

I'm merely suggesting , that we “sweep” out some of the “lesser desirable” life forms , leaving me , hot women and dogs . It's a modest little dream , but I hope you entertain it .

Now there never was a good argument made without evidence . So without further ado , I present to you the dark but irrefutable truth .

Now I've already at some length discussed the crapness of Cats : The crack addicts of the animal kingdom . I feel I've also said just about enough about Stingrays : the Donald Rumesvelds of the sea . These two things harbor a special level of hatred in my heart . So I mustn't let them detract from the absolutely god smackingy crapness of...


Now everyone knows there is nothing worse than an attention seeker . And who are bigger attention seekers than anorexics ? Cheetahs are the anorexics of the animal kingdom , and for that.....bang !

Now I hear you saying “ It's a disease” blah blah blah.....is it bollocks ! Every time someone refuses to eat perfectly good food because they have poor self image , I want to smack them . Good , you should have poor self image , because you callously piss on the starving masses in Africa . Here we go ...squat

Get the fuck over it .

What next in my weapons cache of evidence .....aaaah.....porcupine .

Look at me ..I'm walking around kinda cute ! No , wait...now I'm a ball of spikes !

Jerk .

Fucking Tina Turner look-alike .


“look at me , I'm so intelligent I can jump through a hoop , if you classically condition me with fish”

Big deal dolphin jerk ! I know autralians who can jump through hoops and I never heard anyone accuse an Asutralian of being intelligent . Nope , let me rather propose you are a dumb fish with a hole in it . At least you taste like tuna .


Man , I'm tempted to just write “nuff said” , but that would be a lie .You can't possibly say enough about the crapness of orangutans .

People often say “It's uncanny how human they look?” . Those people obviously live in Australia , because I never god damn say any human being who looked like that ! Even the Sex tourists of Thailand can hold their heads up high in this guys company .

So he's not much on the eye . Perhaps he makes up for it in intelligence ? Think again ! Anyone can see this guy likes to drink beer . Drink beer and sit in a tree ? Not very smart at all I'm afraid .

Maybe he's got a good heart huh ? Backpeddling ! Could the big fat red monkey please report to the shooting range ?

Trees .

Ever met anyone quite as smug as trees ? Oh ! Look at us ! We're so big , ancient and green . Well fuck you too trees . If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it ...does it make a noise?....blah blah blah...I've got a chainsaw....let's find out !


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