Our Solar System : Crap

Our solar system has one
star ....

If I were ever forced to review it , like a hotel .That's how much I would give it .

1 star .

It's , for the lack of a better word : crap .

Sure , given it has a couple of planets , which is a decent start if you are carbon based life form , and you looking for a place to stay . But on closer inspection , all is not what it seems .

Take our own planet : Earth , or as it's better known : The trailer park of the universe .

Sure , you say , it's alright . If you avoid the crap bits , like Australia .



Nice bit of land to potter around and relax on . And it's mostly ocean , so that's good if you like to swim .

Looks great on the brochure .I'll give it that . But as with all things , they leave the important bits out .

It's not all relaxing I'm afraid .You see , you don't so much stay on planet Earth as “survive” .What they don't tell you is if you don't want to die , that a big part of your stay will involve factory like murder of your fellow life forms , in order to eat their flesh and don their skins .

So if you not into mass murder , avoid at all costs . But if you are into killing and that sort of thing , planet earth is definitely the place for you . You will be right at home .

Fair enough , you say , still got the nice big pool like ocean .

The ocean ? Let me tell you something about the ocean . People and fish piss in it ! That's right . It's one big swilling mass of urine . Exactly the type of environment in which the foul beast of hell spawn and thrive in . Yes . I'm talking about stingrays .

You feel free to swim in the pool of stingray infested urine if you like . I'd personally rather bask in the skin eating acid that is found on the surface of our neighbor Venus . I'd say more about Venus , but it's named after the Goddess of love ,and I'm not messing with that vengeful bitch .

Also neighBORING , our joke of a planet , we find Mars . Well not much needs to be said about Mars , other than it's red . Who else was red ?



That's right . Hitler . The first time they put chocolate in a bar and realised it looked like a turd , what did they call it ? That's right . Mars bar .

So , my friends , what other wondrous attractions does our Solar system hold ? Well consider Jupiter .

For one thing , Jupiter is fat . It's big , fat and always crying out for attention .It's like the American of the solar system . It's also got a lot of moons . Greedy .



Mercury ?
Liquid ,? Solid ? Oh no . Mercury won't conform to the conventional laws of physics .She's much too complicated for our simple labeling . Well piss off Mercury ! Pretentious liar of a planet !

Glorified fucking thermometer . You know where they sometimes put thermometer's ?

In....



Uranus .

I think mankind did enough damage by naming this planet such already . I not the type to kick someone when they are down .So let's move on .

The sun ? Well it's Big and Yellow . Not unlike SHANE WARNE .



Who's Shane Warne ? Well he's semi-famous for being a cricket player in Australia . But he's universally reknown however for being a jerk . Just like the Sun .


Saturn ?


I often hear people say “What beautiful rings !”

Beautiful rings ? Sure , lovely ...... if you do crack ! When did fucking poisonous hulla-hoops become beautiful rings ?





I left out some stupid planets ....but nobody cares about them . In fact nobody cares about our stupid solar system . I bet they are laughing their asses off out around Alpha Centuari . If our galaxy , that big wad of god's cum , they call the milky way , was a rock concert , our solar system would be the portable toilet .

And not just any portable toilet , a foul , fly infested , putrid , over flowing with shit , portable toilet , that metaphorically god was currently sitting on (and he's eaten some bad chili-dogs ).

The milky way ? . Orion and his gay belt ?

Seriously. Don't get me started .


For more evidence Click here.