Our Solar System : Crap

Our solar system has one
star ....

If I were ever forced to review it , like a hotel . That's how much I would give it .

1 star .

It's for the lack of a better word : crap .

Sure , given it has a couple of planets , which is a decent start if you are carbon based life form and you looking for a place to stay . But on closer inspection all is not what it seems .

Take our own planet : Earth , or as it's better known : The trailer park of the universe .

Sure , you say , it's alright . If you avoid the crap bits like Australia .

Nice bit of land to potter around and relax on . And it's mostly ocean , so that's good if you like to swim .

Looks great on the brochure, I'll give it that. But as with all things they leave the important bits out .

It's not all relaxing I'm afraid. You see , you don't so much stay on planet Earth as “survive” . What they don't tell you is if you don't want to die that a big part of your stay will involve factory like murder of your fellow life forms in order to eat their flesh and don their skins .

So if you not into mass murder , avoid at all costs. But if you are into killing and that sort of thing , planet earth is definitely the place for you . You will be right at home .

Fair enough you say , still got the nice big pool like ocean .

The ocean ? Let me tell you something about the ocean . People and fish piss in it ! That's right. It's one big swilling mass of urine. Exactly the type of environment in which the foul beast of hell spawn and thrive in . Yes . I'm talking about stingrays .

You feel free to swim in the pool of stingray infested urine if you like. I'd personally rather bask in the skin eating acid that is found on the surface of our neighbor Venus. I'd say more about Venus , but it's named after the Goddess of love and I'm not messing with that vengeful bitch.

Also neighBORING our joke of a planet we find Mars . Well not much needs to be said about Mars other than it's red. Who else was red ?

That's right. Hitler. The first time they put chocolate in a bar and realised it looked like a turd what did they call it ? That's right. Mars bar.

So my friends, what other wondrous attractions does our Solar system hold ? Well consider Jupiter .

For one thing Jupiter is fat. It's big , fat and always crying out for attention. It's like the American of the solar system. It's also got a lot of moons. Greedy.

Mercury ?

Liquid ? Solid ? Oh no! Mercury won't conform to the conventional laws of physics. She's much too complicated for our simple labeling. Well piss off Mercury ! Pretentious liar of a planet !

Glorified fucking thermometer. You know where they sometimes put thermometers ?



I think mankind did enough damage by naming this planet such already. I not the type to kick someone when they are down. So let's move on.

The sun ? Well it's Big and Yellow. Not unlike SHANE WARNE .

Who's Shane Warne ? Well he's semi-famous for being a cricket player in Australia. But he's universally reknown however for being a jerk. Just like the Sun.

Saturn ?

I often hear people say “What beautiful rings !”

Beautiful rings ? Sure , lovely ...... if you do crack ! When did fucking poisonous hulla-hoops become beautiful rings ?

I left out some stupid planets ....but nobody cares about them. In fact nobody cares about our stupid solar system. I bet they are laughing their asses off out around Alpha Centuari. If our galaxy , that big wad of god's cum , they call the milky way , was a rock concert , our solar system would be the portable toilet .

And not just any portable toilet, a foul, fly infested, putrid, over flowing with shit , portable toilet that metaphorically god was currently sitting on (and he's eaten some bad chili-dogs).

The milky way ? Orion and his gay belt ?

Seriously. Don't get me started.

For more evidence Click here.


Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

loved your article! so funny and so true!! haha

Anonymous said...

Tanks for the mammaries.

Anonymous said...

How can you not mention that enormous spinning zit on jupiters face?!